Yesterday was the longest day ever! I fought and wrestled the depression Bull all day. I know what triggered it too. Money! Or the illusion of lack. Now I don't give many things power over my mood, but I'm still working on the influence of the "Dollar Bill". We give money so much control over who we are. Our emotions, our aspirations, even our purpose in life is often driven by the money chase.
"With all this so-called awareness I have; when is this shit going to pass?" I found myself screaming that question to myself 3x yesterday. While it is easier and the time of depression is shorter than it has been in my past, it is still a beast getting through the emotional fatigue of the Bull on your back. It's as if the bull has the audacity to be perched on my shoulder like he's a 2lb bird, whispering lies in my ear. "You are not successful", " You are confused", "Your just lazy. " How can you have been in business 10 yrs, and blah blah blah... All these annoying lil lies.
I know money is a tool that we added value too, and not a commodity like water, silver or gold. I know that money (or the lack of) does not make me a happy or a sad person. The more I sit and worry about the "lack" of money, the longer I stay on that lower frequency, hence keeping money away from me. It's a vicious cycle that most of us find ourselves spiralling down into, creating more of what we do not want in our lives. Our thoughts become our reality.
Money has no impact on my emotional state. I see that affirmation, and I believe it I do.. but I don't "feel it". It's not changing the fact that bills are still due when they are due. But all these "things" do not change who I am and how I feel about myself. Knowing what I have studied about universal Law, I know that "feeling" the belief is just as important as speaking the belief . I have to "feel it " as if it's already done.
My subconscious mind is more powerful than my conscious mind. I am verbalizing from my "conscious" mind "money has no impact on my emotional state" but still "feeling" terrible on the inside and still "acting emotionally" like I am sad because I don't have as much money as I would like to. Honestly, money would not have made a big difference in my day yesterday. I chose a day of rest and reflection. I said to myself before going to sleep Thursday night that I would do what my spirit urged me to do on Friday. I know that r & r is also necessary. We need to see the value in stillness as much as we do being active. Because my pockets "felt" low, that peace-filled day was accompanied by panic, guilt, sadness, and ultimately victim hood. I started thinking about all the "woe is me" scenarios my mind could come up with. I became a victim in an instant. I could have auditioned for a "Novella" or "Soap Opera" and stole the part! When the only thing different about this day and the day before was the way I "felt".
Now around 3 pm , I realized that I gave this energy complete control of my day. I simply made a choice to feel sorry for myself. This choice was conscious because I knew things that I could have done to turn it around; ie: Exercise, dance, write, get out in the sun, read affirmations, express love etc. Instead, I chose to have a "self pitying" day and feel sorry for myself. And so it is.. That's what I did allllll day. Sat in bed, feeling like a loser. (So far from the truth) Why a loser? Because I've set all these expectations and goals for myself. I see everyone else around me taking action and scrambling to accomplish their own goals, their way, and feeling guilty for not doing the same. I now know hat's not necessarily my path.
In the recent past, my way of "feeling" as if I was getting things done was by keeping myself really busy. Running from here to there, taking every appointment that called, and still trying to maintain a active social life. While that was fine and dandy, that is not the current path I have chosen. I choose to spend my days as I choose and to release the self-applied shackles from the clock. I have chosen to change my career path and teach in hopes of inspiring other people. I choose to learn to earn my living a different way outside of my regular conventional methods. I choose to see the abundance in everyday and practice showing gratitude wherever I am regardless of what the circumstances may look like. I choose to let go and let God resulting in unconditional trust that I will be provided for as I always have been.
These are all my choices. Yes I can go work in a salon. Yes I can go back to California and work my business there. I can even go get a wig, and apply for a "desk" job (since I don't think a red mohawk will fly here in the corporate south :)) But that is just not what my spirit is urging me to do. I have never been the type of person that can go against what my spirit tells me is right. I know that I am not a lazy person. Even before understanding what the inner voice was, I still trusted it and it always prevails.
Today I am ready to take action!
I know that I am not alone. We all have had days like yesterday. The key is getting the lesson from the day and not "judging" it or myself. It is simply Energy In Motion...and this too shall pass. I share this in hopes to inspire another to take control of your life. We all have the power to change our circumstances. We may choose to stand in the victim box competing for an Emmy with the rest of society or we can grab the bull by the horns and steer it in the direction we want to head.
|I came out on top!!|
Today and all days I choose to see the good in all circumstances, and I am a gentle judge of myself. I show gratitude for all the "good" that already exist in my life and I express this in every loving thought, word and action. I let go and trust that God as always will provide. And so it is...